I often say to people, never judge me until you’ve walked a thousand million miles in my shoes. I hold true to that statement. Anyone who is close to me knows I’ve been out of sorts physically and mentally for a while. The nurse suspects I had a virus that made my immune system low and prevented me from fighting the infections. With the emotional blows I’ve had in the past six months, uni finishing because of funding cuts, the up and coming changes to benefits, my dreams getting halted at every turn, friends stabbing me in the back, it’s no wonder my emotional state of health has been as depleted as my physical.

I know some people think I’ve been a real bitch lately, pushing them from my life or pushing them to the fringes and others may think I’m being cold and distant and it’s not that I want to be this way, but right now I need to be. There are a few people I’m letting in at the moment and if you are one of those people, feel privileged because there are less than five people I will share a lot of this stuff with. Even those people, I’ve not been talking to a lot.

In the past few months, I’ve been introvert in regard to my own emotion. In the past I’ve worn my heart so much on my sleeve and it’s only ever got me hurt. I can’t forgive those for hurting me right now, I’m not in that place yet, but I can deal with what has happened. I will never understand why people choose to hurt me or why I always seem to be everyone’s second best choice in everything, but guess that’s just the story of my life. I’m never going to be important to someone and I’ll always be the back up friend. Fine, if that’s how it’s going to be. But I will also put me first, if no one else will. There are a few exceptions to this theory and I thank them for being my friends throug and hopefully will keep them close.

I’ve made a few new friends in the past year and I’m enjoying getting to know them and some I feel I will hold cherished friendships with for a long time to come. I know things have changed substantially for me recently and the majority of those changes I know I’m beginning to be thankful for and will appreciate whole heartedly in the future.

Right now, I’m trying to get work, continuing my volunteering which is so far doing well and writing loads. I have been in the library three days this week and hopefully will do more in the coming months. I’m aiming to finish a rough draft of enchantress soon so will be looking to publish that and do anything at some point.

Sometimes stepping back from a situation, understanding it, can clear up a person’s mind. That’s what I feel I’ve done in the past month. I know I’m getting better. My sleeping is regular, has been for two weeks, really hoping that lasts and my inspiration and creativity is back, my energy is getting there. All I need to sort now is my riding. Once I’m back on the horse, I shall feel even better. I miss that part of my life incredibly at the moment. I would love to get back into goal ball. I really want to have a break with friends up in Windermere this summer. And the girlie weekend to London with the girls too.

I will keep trying. Despite how horrible some days have been recently and how deflated this government is making me feel, I’m determined one day I will make half of my dreams come true, at least.

I spent the day in the sunshine today. We’ve had a little drop of summer weather here this week. Hoping it’s a sneak preview of the actual summer. That would be nice. The grand national was on today, and although I won nothing, I have only been drawn more toward a career with horses.

On Thursday, I had a successful talk with a brownie group for Guide Dogs so so far so good with my speaking. fingers crossed that all leads to something. I just would love a break. Seems a lot of my friends are getting those at the min and I’m so happy for them, would just love a good clean break for myself for once. I want to be a success, not the failure I feel like at the min.

well, that’s all for now. Just thought I’d get out some of my feelings and give a bit of an update.
will write soon.
Hugs,
MJ